We’re not all mothers
It’s May—time for Mother’s Day. According to the Old Farmer’s Almanac, Mother’s Day was created to honor early acts of feminist activism. It wasn’t about flowers or brunches. It was a statement about the conditions of motherhood, the grisly, grueling side that Hallmark cards forget.
Motherhood isn’t for me. I’ve felt this since high school, and during the pandemic (with a lot of time to play around on social media), I fully embraced my childfree status and became open about it. I am a person who chooses not to have or raise children. It’s not the choice for everyone, just as motherhood isn’t.
Choice is the important word here.
A majority of people with uteruses don’t make this choice. In the U.S., only ~34% of women (read: people with uteruses) in my age group don’t have children, and there isn’t a good gauge of how many of them want to be that way. It’s probably less than half, because as age increases, less and less remain without children.
There are reasons for this, aside from anatomy and physiology, and maybe, in a future post, I’ll go into them.
Being childfree but having friends who aren’t
My life decision puts me at odds with peers and affects how I socialize. I didn’t get to where I am now with my personal relationships overnight, and for others who choose not to have children, finding connection when “everyone” around you is having and raising children can be a challenge. And when long-time friends are part of that “everyone,” the adjustment may be isolating.
Here are my tips for finding peace with your friendships and social life if you’re childfree.
Accept that long-time friendships won’t be the same.
It’s natural for friendships to evolve (or end) as people mature and take on new responsibilities, and parenting is a gigantic responsibility. It’s a lifelong commitment (or should be), and it’s especially time- and energy-consuming when children are younger and more dependent. It’s likely the regular hangouts you once enjoyed won’t be so regular, and if they are, childcare may be involved. If you try to avoid “the kids coming along” by setting up adult-only hangouts, be prepared for mixed messages or declined invitations.
It can be upsetting to get a lot of static from your parent friends, but you shouldn’t take it to heart. There may still be things you have in common, but recognize that a large piece of your daily lives is different. Parents tend to spend time with other parents or opt for friendships of convenience (including family members or parents of their kids’ friends) with their constrained schedules. Enjoy the interactions you’re still able to share.
Be the person who brings a fresh perspective.
As you can imagine, the work and expectations of parenting take a toll. And for any parent who feels like they’re just staying above water, the physical and emotional stresses of child-rearing also affect understanding of identity—parent first, everything else de-emphasized. Not all parents struggle with this (just like a childfree person is more than childfree!), but it’s an area where you can help.
Why did you become friends in the first place? Why are you choosing to remain friends? You might be the only person in your friend’s current social circle who isn’t spending every morning and evening immersed in primary colors and suspiciously-powder-scented products. Remind your friend of life beyond the playpen.
And if they need someone to vent to? That’s where you can help, too. Listen, without judgment, and only offer advice if they ask you for it.
Set your boundaries, and don’t be ashamed of keeping them.
Those of us who don’t have children have varied comfort levels when it comes to childcare. For example, I don’t enjoy holding babies. (I’m not a “baby person” in general.) Their fragility makes me nervous, and I’m in constant fear of getting puked on. You can call me immature or get offended, or you can respect my boundary.
I don’t want to take care of a baby.
Potty-trained, school-aged kids are a different story.
A true friend will understand that what’s okay for them isn’t okay for everyone—including you. They may not empathize, but they can, at least, hear you and do what they can to accommodate your needs. After all, it’s likely you’ll be accommodating to their schedule, so they can help you out by not asking you to babysit.
And boundaries aren’t just about childcare. If you’d rather not spend time at a birthday party or child-centric gathering, you don’t have to. Your friend likely can’t attend all of your special occasions, so it’s okay to politely sit out for theirs. (Just don’t cheap out on gifts!)
Accept that you’ll probably need to build new social connections.
Some people are okay with solo time or don’t find conflict in the way the relationships with their parent friends play out. Unfortunately, for many in the childfree community, the divide between those who have children and those who don’t leaves space in their social lives they’d rather have filled.
How do you fill it? Do the things you like. It’s possible that your schedule is going to bring you into spaces with people who aren’t parents, especially if you time it that way. Think about when “family stuff” tends to happen. If you want to build your tribe, do things you like during times when your friends are doing “family stuff.” Bonus points if the things you like to do are not child-friendly.
You’ll need to be open to having friends outside of your age group. It’s possible you can make friends with others around your age, but for me, as a woman in her mid-30s, my childfree or less child-centric friends are either older or younger than me. If they’re older, they may have kids, but their children are independent. If they’re younger, they may have kids some day—but don’t right now.
In adulthood, friendships aren’t always as deep as they were in childhood, and they may not be intended for “forever.” That’s okay. What’s important is your happiness and authenticity.
Find people you can be yourself with.
Be honest about your life.
Childfree people are often judged—negatively. They’re BINGO’d, and their decision to remain without children isn’t always respected. People are afraid of things they don’t understand.
If you’re childfree, wherever you are on your journey, know you aren’t alone, and you shouldn’t be shamed for making the call to opt out of parenthood. There are many other ways to leave a mark on the world!
You know how the saying goes—
Those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.
If you’re a parent, and you’ve read this far, thank you! The world needs parents, especially parents who care.
Did parenthood—either becoming a parent or not being a parent—change your friendships? How? What do you look for in a friendship?