The internet’s been buzzing lately in response to Chelsea Handler’s comedy bits in The Daily Show, specifically her callouts to being a woman who has chosen not to be a mother. (She addresses this in her comedy special on Netflix, Revolution, as well.)
Have you seen Chelsea… lately?
Here are the bits, in case you haven’t seen them or have seen them and want another watch.
A Day In The Life Of a Childless Woman:
Long Story Short: Childless By Choice:
As someone who has chosen not to have children, I’ve been on the positive side of the buzz, describing Chelsea’s comedy as a win in mainstream media. My only criticism is the use of the word “childless” instead of “childfree” to describe someone like Chelsea or myself, but I’ll take what I can get. Harping on language tends to fuel division; representation and understanding bridge gaps.
In no surprise to anyone, the negative reactions to Chelsea’s satire have come from mainly conservative and/or misogynistic spaces. A woman making her own decisions about her body and being sexual without procreation definitely ruffles their feathers. But what about the angry reactions from people who don’t identify with those spaces?
Pronatalism makes empathy challenging
People who choose a life that doesn’t include parenthood are still stereotyped and misunderstood. Modern society operates with the understanding that adulthood is linked to parenthood, and in fact, childbearing is encouraged. This is pronatalism, and it isn’t bad for propagating a species. But because most of us live beyond our basic biology and in situations no basic-biology-human would be able to survive, the pushes and assumptions of pronatalism are problematic.
People can get angry about things they don’t understand or can’t empathize with, which is why bringing awareness to differences—and giving people time to process what these differences mean in relation to their own lives—is important.
There are things I cannot truly understand, but because they have no negative impact on my daily life or society as a whole, I’m not bothered by them. Here are a few.
- The obvious one—I cannot truly understand wanting to be a parent. Yes, I know of the reasons and the pressures. But I can’t understand the real desire for the action, follow-through, and lifelong commitment. Do I criticize someone when they happily announce a pregnancy? No.
- I cannot truly understand working as a flight attendant. Yes, I know why it could be appealing, but it will never be appealing to me because I hate airplanes and hate flying. I feel like my heart is going to explode. Do I harass someone when they share that they’re a flight attendant? No.
- I cannot truly understand living somewhere like Montana. Or Kansas. Or basically anywhere that isn’t in the tri-state area of the United States. Yes, I know that people live in all kinds of places for all kinds of reasons. So if I meet someone from Montana, do I tell them they’ll regret the time they spend living there? No.
- I cannot truly understand choosing a minivan as a preferred vehicle. It’s actually a joke that I hate minivans because I have so many bad, carsick memories of them. But I understand why people drive minivans. Do I post vitriol on social media about the people who buy minivans? No.
Hopefully, my examples help to show why others’ choices—that are not causing harm to society at large—aren’t something to get mad about. And if people are happy about their decisions, it’s an opportunity to expand understanding of diversity.
5 truths about life as a childfree person
While there is some truth behind Chelsea’s comedy about not being a mother, the fact that her skits are satire may be lost on some people. So, as a childfree woman myself, I want to touch on some of the truths that weren’t displayed through comedy in an effort to address misconceptions about being childfree.
1. I have a flexible timeline.
This is probably the biggest difference I notice when I think about people my age who are parents. Planning for and raising a child have locked them into certain relationships, jobs, career paths, and living situations, and many looked for this feeling of security by a certain age—a “healthy” childbearing age. I’m almost 36 and don’t feel pressured to take my life any particular way by any particular age. I’m here to enjoy the ride.
2. My financial planning looks different than parents’.
It wasn’t until recently I realized all the financial advice I’d ever gotten was based on the assumption I would eventually have children I’d be responsible for. Childfree Wealth brought this to light for me. My life isn’t going to “start” at retirement or “once the kids are older,” and I don’t have a next-of-kin to save for. I can die with nothing. This doesn’t mean I spend recklessly, and I’m not rich. However, I can and do use my money in ways I probably wouldn’t if I had children.
3. I’m well aware of needing a plan for “when I get older.”
One of the most frequent BINGOs childfree people get is, “But what about when you get older?”
Having a child is not a guarantee for end-of-life care. A person can have children and still “die alone.” There are many people—parents—in nursing homes and retirement communities who are rarely (or never) visited by their children. Because I know there is no possibility of help from my next-of-kin, my end-of-life care and funeral expenses are part of my financial planning. I will very likely pay someone to take care of me when I’m older… just like many other aging adults.
4. I think about accomplishment and legacy differently.
Babies are celebrated. While choosing to have a child is a big life decision and milestone, I do not view it as an accomplishment until a person begins parenting and committing to their children. I’ve known too many people who had children and then “phoned it in” for parenting.
For childfree people, foregoing the socially celebrated accomplishment of parenthood can create pressure for “purpose” and “doing something remarkable” with all their “extra time.” But accomplishments and legacy don’t have to be huge, and there are so many ways to make a difference that don’t involve parenting. I will “live on” through my work, my writing, and my volunteering.
5. I’m happy.
I don’t regret my choice, and many childfree people feel the same way. (These people over 60 sure don’t regret it!) After all, I’d rather regret never having children than regret having them. I’m living the best life for me and am enjoying my experiences. Isn’t that what it’s all about?
What messages—implicit or explicit—did you get (do you get) about people who are childless or childfree? Where did (do) those messages come from?