At the beginning of this month, I came across the concept of “tendencies” via a blog post by Sarah Selecky about building good writing habits. Your tendency is your default response to expectations, and according to Gretchen Rubin, who wrote a book about understanding and working with these tendencies, the way we manage expectations from ourselves and others can be explained through some combination of four tendencies: Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, and Rebel.
- Upholders respond well to all expectations, whether they set them for themselves or others set them.
- Questioners respond best to their inner expectations; their judgment is what matters.
- Obligers respond best to others’ expectations; they don’t want to let people down.
- And Rebels don’t play nice.
My tendency
When I took the tendencies quiz, I wasn’t surprised to find out I’m an Obliger, which means I’m a person who needs external accountability. Give me a deadline or a reason that something absolutely has to be done, and I’ll put in my best effort (almost always with some procrastination). I’m also more likely to feel accomplished when my effort is met with external validation.
I know I’m not alone in this tendency. In fact, I imagine a lot of us are Obligers, and I’m a little in awe of anyone who can do anything just for themselves. The modern world is set up for Obligers. Traditional schooling, the workplace, and social media all encourage action based on others’ expectations, and they give very clear external rewards for doing something the expected way. (Would I have been a “strong student” without grades or ranking? I can’t say.)
In my personal life, my Obliger tendency plays out by giving the highest priority to the things others want me to get done—and giving more weight to results others can see. I have a hard time investing in myself and my “hobbies” because I “should” use that time for my job, my career, my romantic relationship, keeping up the house, etc.
I’m not asking for permission to slack on responsibilities. But I do need to find a way to permit myself time for things that no one is paying me for or giving explicit attention to. I need to permit myself to give dedicated, authentic time and effort to my life as a writer.
Writing with accountability
For some writers with my tendency, critique groups, writing communities, and classes do the trick. I’ve tried them all, and I’ve also weaseled around in each of them. If stakes (or reward) aren’t high enough, I make excuses and fall short of expectations. If there’s any wiggle room, I’ll squeeze in and make myself comfortable there.
I’m not proud of this, but for the first time in my life, instead of working to change who I am, I’m experimenting with ways to work with who I am. I’m hoping, in time, I can grow out of my attachment to wiggle room and be stricter about my accountability, but until I reach that point, I need a little help from big pushes—even if I can’t follow through.
What are my big pushes? Contests, submission deadlines, and applications.
The contest that brought me back to my novel
Not too longer after I uncovered my tendency, a friend sent information about the First Pages Prize, which had extended its submission deadline to April 24. I usually disregard writing contests because “I’m not writing anything,” but the requirements and gains made this contest approachable.
I have five pages of a longer work of fiction.
In fact, that longer work of fiction is what I always go back to, not in actual word count, because I’ve been trying to pull together years of ideas into a YA novel, but in my thoughts. I miss these characters. I miss their story. And I’m constantly trying to bat off the idea that, for now, this is what I’m supposed to write.
I was ready to send in the first five pages I already had, but when I reread, I wasn’t satisfied with the story’s beginning. I haven’t written a lot of fiction in the three years since I set the work aside, but I’ve been reading and copywriting. I’m also a different person, more confident about who I am, and I’ve grown from my experiences.
I spent nearly a whole day spilling ideas into my notebook. I was excited again, motivated.
But I didn’t rewrite the first chapter—yet. Submitting the first five pages to the contest was a big push, but it didn’t beat out getting ready for a mini vacation, a paid assignment (that I still need to finish), and the energy drain of spring allergies.
I missed the submission deadline, but the motivation to work on this story is still here. The external triggered something internal. I know I’ll be looking for external accountability once I actually take on this novel as my WIP, but for now, I’m grateful.
How do you respond to expectations? Have you been working with your natural tendencies—or working against them? What would it look like to work with them?